


What Am I to You?

by Emeli_Thorne



Series: My Forever Is Yours [9]
Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, I'm Bad At Tagging, Shane does what he can to reassure her, Shane's super sweet it will melt your heart, Tess is uncertain about hers and Shane's future
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-02 16:25:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14548710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emeli_Thorne/pseuds/Emeli_Thorne
Summary: About three months into their going out, Tess prompts Shane about the status of their relationship.They are walking towards his car, when she asks him this; it just comes out of her mouth without her really thinking much about it beforehand.





	What Am I to You?

**Author's Note:**

> Timeline: Three months into Tess and Shane's relationship, before Part 4 of this series

They have a date night at least once a week. And by date night, it means going out to the movies or a bar or a nice restaurant down the road. It’s supposed to be romantic and something special as opposed to every other night they spend together, either at his place or hers, mostly having sex.

About three months into their going out, Tess prompts Shane about the status of their relationship.

They are standing outside the bar where he helped her and her friends get home safe after a nasty encounter with a drunk idiot. It is quite cold, unusually so for this time of the year. Shane has tucked her into his jacket, zipping it all the way up and insisting she put her hands in the pockets to get them warm as well.

They are walking towards his car, when she asks him this; it just comes out of her mouth without her really thinking much about it beforehand.

Shane stands rooted in place, turning his head abruptly to stare at her, an expression of utter confusion on his face. His brows are furrowed, mouth agape.

“What?” he exclaims, shaking his head as if he didn’t hear her question right.

“I was just wonderin’, how serious is this? Are we just crushing on each other? Are we fuck buddies? Is this a relationship?”

Tess speaks evenly, genuinely just wondering about their status. She likes him a lot, but she has nothing against staying just friends or friends with benefits. Shane is a good man and regardless how he feels about them, she knows she wants him in her life.

The light that a streetlamp casts over his face lets Tess know how hurt Shane actually is by her question. He is looking at her in disbelief, as if she offended him.

“Why do you ask? Was I not clear enough in my intentions?” his voice trembles slightly as he shifts on his feet, hands resting on his hips as he swallows lump after lump; Tess can tell by the way his Adam's apple bobs.

“I just...,” she hesitates, feeling stupid for even starting this conversation. Why couldn’t she just leave it alone?

She starts again, fidgeting with her hands now, looking away then back up at him. It’s difficult to speak with him staring right at her. “We’ve been having so much fun together and I just wanted to know if this is leading to anything. I love being with you, I love talking to you but-”

Just when Tess thinks she’s taken things too far with too many ‘I love’s and definitely made a fool of herself, Shane cuts her off then, bowing his head so he can look at her from an even height, catching her gaze.

“You-you’ve heard stories about me, ain’t that it? You’ve heard stories and now you think I’m just playin’ witcha?”

He sounds more than hurt now, his hands are shaking as he reaches for hers. “Tell me, Tess. Is that it?”

Biting her lip Tess just stares back at him, unwilling to voice her doubts.

Maybe she was lying to herself thinking she would be okay with just being friends. She feels something more for him. It terrifies and annoys her, this nagging thought that Shane doesn’t feel the same about her.

And yeah, she's heard stories about him. Has been hearing them for forever it seems, which is why she never actually mentioned it to him. Tess acts like those stories mean nothing, like knowing what he did, when he did it and with whom doesn’t bother her in the least, when it does. It rips her apart just thinking about it because she loves him so much that imagining him being this sweet and tender with other girls hurts her deeply.

And that’s the problem. _Love_.

What does she know of love? She’s only ever been in love twice and both of those times ended badly for her.

Maybe she’s wrong. Maybe she’s kidding herself hoping something will come out of this.

“You know what, it doesn’t matter. Can we go, please?”

Tess starts towards the car as she wraps her arms around herself protectively, regretting every word that left her mouth by then, but Shane’s hand on her arm stops her. Pulling her to him, she has to turn around to face him and she really doesn’t want to do that lest he sees the tears in her eyes. Instead she holds her gaze firmly fixed on his shoes, the ones they went to pick out together one Saturday afternoon.

What if he thinks she’s pathetic, acting all childish?

It’s not like they agreed on anything in regards to their ... whatever it was. They were having fun just being together and yeah, having some mind-blowing sex.

Although, what if that’s the only thing they can have and nothing more meaningful?

Shane and their friendship mean too much to Tess to have it all ruined in seconds.

“Tess, we gotta talk about this,” Shane insists and the way he says it forces her to finally look at him. “Do you think I’m not committed to you?”

He’s patient, waiting for her reply and she silently thanks him as she rearranges the mess that are her thoughts to make them at least semi-coherent.

“Look, the thing is, I don’t really know what this is. We’ve been hanging out a lot, we’ve been having great sex and I like all of it,” Tess says it all in one breath and when she finally exhales, her lungs are burning, lips quivering as she fights her tears away.

Shane’s lips curve into a smirk at the mention of sex, which depletes for a second the tension that has arisen between them.

His hands are on her arms keeping her from moving anywhere, from escaping. Somehow, she suspects that is his intention – make her face him, confess her doubts, prevent her from sweeping this under the rug and keep pretending.

Sometimes she forgets he’s a cop.

“So? Come on, be honest. What’s it about me you don’t like?”

There’s a hint of self-deprecation in his voice, a genuine worry the whole problem is him and his past. Other people’s opinions of him and the way he spent his teenage years haunt him to this day. Tess’ heart aches for him, for the way he puts all his fears out in the open to her, even when he’s not aware of it.

If there’s one thing she knows about Shane is that he’s honest and says what’s on his mind even when that can get him into trouble.

His self-doubt, however, is exhausting on him, especially in moments like this when he tends to jump to conclusions and blame himself before even knowing what’s up.

Tess can’t stand him thinking he’s the issue here.

Shaking her head, she states firmly, ready to drop the subject already, “It’s not you, Shane. It’s me, okay? It’s my problem and I’ll deal with it.” 

“No, it bothers you so it bothers me. Now tell me. Please.” He’s pleading with her, his eyes all soft and full of understanding. They are quiet for a moment, the silence stifling them, then Shane leads her by the hand towards a bench on the other side of the street.

There are few people outside, mostly those waiting for the late bus home and some half-drunk guys hanging by a store, each holding a beer bottle.

When they sit down, Shane doesn’t let go of her hand, instead sandwiches it between his. His warmth is welcoming though Tess feels like she’s drowning in her anxiety. Sighing, Tess runs her fingers through her hair, not sure how to say what she feels.

Gaze focused on Shane’s car across the street, she ignores the stinging in her chest and starts talking, voice cracking a few times.

“Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with us. Not in a bad way... I’m not used to this, being with someone and having it so good...  We’ve been together for a few months now and I just... I don’t know.”

“Yeah you do,” he pushes for her to be honest.

When she glances at him briefly, noting fear in his eyes as his hands hold hers more firmly, definitely not letting go, Tess knows he deserves to hear her own feelings and doubts, no matter how absurd they seem to her.

Swallowing hard, she cups his face with her free hand and feels a kick in her stomach when he leans into her touch, never taking his eyes off her. Smiling then, she takes time enjoying the feel of his scruff against her palm, the curve of his plushy lips, his soft gaze that makes her insides melt because when he looks at her, she always feels like he sees nothing else but her.

And she loves it, craves it.

And when she finally speaks, her thumb is caressing his cheekbone; her breath catches in her throat.

“I like you so much, sometimes I feel I’m going crazy from thinking about you. I love that you stay over night and don’t sneak out, leaving me alone in bed. I love when you make me breakfast. I love everything about you.”

He laughs, his hand now wrapped around the back of her neck.

“Even my snoring and my stinkin’ shoes?”

Tess has to shake her head, unable to contain her own laughter. “Well, not that.”

“Does that mean you - love _me_?” The way he says it, he sounds almost shy though his words are brimming with hope, eyes gleaming with some unknown emotion.

“It’s too soon, isn’t it? You must think I’m nuts.”

“Oh darlin’, if you only knew.” Chuckling, he averts his gaze for a split moment when a car passes by before returning it back on her. “You know that first morning we woke up together at your place? And how you wouldn’t let me out of the bed because you said I was so hot?

“And you said  _Well I know I’m hot what else you got_ ,” Tess tries to imitate his gruff voice and ends up coughing. They both laugh at her impression of him, gazes locked on each other.

“Yeah. Well, the way you looked that morning-”

“What, all ruffled with a bad breath?” Tess tries to make a joke, but Shane is not having any of it.

Pushing some of her hair behind her ear, fingers getting tangled, his lips spread into a gentle smile. “Nah, gorgeous. You smiled at me then.”

Tapping his shoulder, she arches her brow. “Lots of people smile at you, Walsh.”

“Yeah, but none like you. I know your smiles are genuine. I know you don’t lie to me, not even about some silly things like breaking my toaster.”

“I’m really sorry about that.”

Just shaking his head, he continues. “You don’t use me. I’ve had a lot of people in my life use me, tell me what they think I need to hear and lie to me. You don’t do that. And... You make me feel better about myself, more than anyone else ever did.”

She starts crying then, hot tears spilling down her cheeks which Shane is quick to wipe away with a brush of his thumb, sliding closer to her.

“You care about me. Know how I know that? ‘cause you bring me lunch every day even though police stations freak you out. You take time to iron my work uniform when you stay at my place, even though I told you you don’t have to do it. And you call me every day to check on me and make sure I’m okay.”

His words hurt her, cut through her in the best and worst way possible. They hurt her because he noticed things she does for him that she herself is unaware of – she just does them by default to make him happy, to see him smiling, to see surprise on his face when she shows up even though she told him she would be busy. They hurt her because he just confessed, again, how unloved, unwanted he felt all his life. People hurt him, times and times again, destroyed his trust in them, made him cynical and too self-reliant only.

Her arms wrap around his neck, forehead touching his when she murmurs, “I worry about you.”

“I know that, darlin’.” Kissing her nose, he cradles her face in his hands so delicately, like it is something precious. “That’s what I’m sayin’. I never had anyone worry about me since my folks died. It feels good. It feels good to have you worry about me ‘cause I know it’s ‘cause you care about me.”

Tess can't breathe. There's a large lump in her throat and try as she may she can't get rid of it. It's choking her even as she senses Shane draw her closer, leaving almost no space between them.

“Shane I-”she starts but can't finish, can't make herself say those words. Not even now when it is all out in the open and Shane most definitely _knows_.

He's the first one to do it then, bravely so and with such joy that makes her cry all over again.

“I love you. I do," he assures her when he thinks she might not believe him. "I don’t want you to say it yet if you’re not sure. I just needed you to know I love you and I am serious about us. I want this to last. If you think we’re going too fast, we will slow down. I don’t want to make you do or feel something you don’t want to.”

Shane has pulled her into his lap without her being aware of it. Not that she minds. His warmth and smell engulf her giving her a renewed sense of belonging as a crooked grin appears on his face, eyes alight with devotion and love.

Before she gets lost in her mind again, she's kissing his cheek, his stubble grazing her lips.

“You’re not. You’re not, Shane. It’s my stupid brain. I swear I-"

He puts a finger on her lips, shushing her. “You’re brain's not stupid. It’s lovely, like all of you.”

They both laugh at this line that sounds so cheesy, and is yet so true, at least for Shane.

“Thanks for giving me time. I’m freaking up upstairs.” Tess hugs him tightly, cheek against cheek, eyes closed so she can focus on him and him alone.

“Always, love. Always.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos and/or comment on the fic, it really makes my day.
> 
> If you want, you can leave a prompt for this 'verse on my tumblr or here in the comments
> 
> Find me on tumblr at lightblindingme :D


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